As you can imagine, I have been killing myself to keep the doors open to my business and that is why I haven't written lately.
I hope everyone had a fabulous Festivus, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas and of course a Kick Ass Kwanzaa. I really don't go out on New Years Eve, and the only thing I want to celebrate is the end of the worst year of my life by getting drunk and getting laid, and drunk is all I am getting to my knowledge.
I am hopeful for 2009. My business is starting to pick up again so for now myself and my loyal employees have job security. Do I think Obama is going to Change The Nation...fuck no. Am I going to buy an American made piece of shit car this year...no. Am I going to buy a new house... no. I am going to stay in my same job, in my same house, and drive the same foreign made car just like everyone else in the country so how can we change when we are clinging to keep things the same? Its all good, as long as I have a roof over my head, wheels to get me to work and I don't have to blow guys to get dinner you won't hear me bitch.
I would like to wish everyone a SAFE and Happy New Year! May your blessings be more this year then last, and may you and your families remain healthy. I wish Prosperity, Blow Jobs and Kitten Licking for All!
Amen. Rock on.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Bird Bird Bird, Bird Is The Word...
The other night I couldn't sleep and caught an old epsiode of Family Guy that I have never seen before. Peter takes the family to a 50's restaraunt and that song "Bird Is The Word" played and they gave him the 45 out of the jukebox because the song was from the 60's. He drove everyone crazy with it and then it was stolen. It was so annoying and so hilarious all at once. Now that fucking song has been stuck in my head for days.
Yes, my Phillies are World Champs! The former FwB invited me to the parade and celebration festivities and I had the best time! I did not ride on a float or any bullshit like that, but I had an amazing time getting drunk and being a part of Philly history. I am never going to see a championship like this in my lifetime ever again. The champagne was flowing and that always makes me want to get naked.
My last post was fun, but I have to stop it there. I'm still all about the cock, so don't worry.
I hope that everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving! We have alot to be Thankful for even in these rough and lean times. Blonde is struggling just like the rest of the world in trying to keep her business alive, and its been tough. I submit CPR to it weekly.
Rock on.
Yes, my Phillies are World Champs! The former FwB invited me to the parade and celebration festivities and I had the best time! I did not ride on a float or any bullshit like that, but I had an amazing time getting drunk and being a part of Philly history. I am never going to see a championship like this in my lifetime ever again. The champagne was flowing and that always makes me want to get naked.
My last post was fun, but I have to stop it there. I'm still all about the cock, so don't worry.
I hope that everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving! We have alot to be Thankful for even in these rough and lean times. Blonde is struggling just like the rest of the world in trying to keep her business alive, and its been tough. I submit CPR to it weekly.
Rock on.
Monday, October 20, 2008
She Was So Hot I Would Suck A Fart Out Of Her Ass Like A Bong Hit...
What A Weekend!! I don't even know where to begin.
Ok... I will begin with the Phillies! Can you fucking believe we made it back to the big game?!?! It only took 15 years! I have to admit that I was torn between us playing Boston or Tampa Bay. Truth is, Boston would have made it a huge draw because having 2 major city teams plus the whole nutjob Boston fans and they are recent champs would have made it amazing, even though I don't feel the Phillies could have beat them. Tampa Bay on the other hand is not such a great draw in my opinion but we can beat their asses and actually win the World Series. With the Philadelphia Curse in full force and effect though, watch us get our asses whooped by TB and that will give them the success story of the century.
From the comments in my last post Phillies related, Brian formerly from Philly said...
Blonde-Glad to hear you are getting out & about. Wings are good...beer is good. You may not believe it right now but you'll be back to your normal self some day.Is Victorino the xFwB? Hmmmm..... But that quote about getting pounded on the ass I heard was from Matt Stairs after he bailed the Phils out in game 4. I might be wrong but thats what I read.4 more wins!Stay Sexy!-Brian formerly from Philly
He was correct that the quote was from Stairs not Victorino. Still can't imagine anyone finding Stairs attractive enough to pound his ass hard though. Victorino was NOT the FwB. Puhleez, big mama only rolls with the relevant players and he wasn't playing for them then. Nice guy and all but not fuckworthy of the Blonde's precious cooter.
I also need to know where Brian is now that he is formerly of Philly and why. If he ran off to live with some girl he will get slammed hard in the ass..
Reverend StB preaches the following from my last post:
I see we read from the same Bible.Reality is that wings can cure all ailments especially drunken emotional ones-- Hooters 9:11.
Amen, bitches.
**********
I went from hibernating, to crawling out of my shell only to run back into it and hide to being out and not wanting to go home. I have issues. I went into Philly Saturday with some of my guy friends. They shielded me from all things that would send me into a spiral downward or meltdown by taking me to see some titties. I got hammered and lapdanced back into a happy place. I had one of the hottest strippers at Delilah's Den give me a lap dance so hot I left a puddle on the sofa I was sitting on. Seriously, I had to go to the bathroom and throw my panties in the trash because they were soaked.
There was only a few girls there NOT to strip, like myself, and one was attending her brother's bachelor party. I knew one of the guys attending the party through an old boyfriend. She was very pretty and alot of fun to hang with and so fucking hot I never once figured out she was gay. After lots of drinks and tucked bucks she sat on my lap and started to make out with me. I had a girl that looked exactly like Jessica Alba on my lap and kissing me. I have to admit that it was the HOTTEST kiss I have ever had in my entire life. My weakness is kissing... if you kiss me just right, I will fuck the life out of you.
The bachelor party was moving on to a regular bar but my friends wanted to stay at Delilah's. Totally torn....do I stay with my friends at the coochie corral or do I move along and drink with my new friend? She was begging me to go with them and my friends were pushing me to go with her so I left DD in a party bus with no clue how I was getting back to NJ. Honestly, I really didn't care either. So we went to a few bars in the city and I continued to drink, do shots, eat greasy deadly delicious bar food and got to know my new friend. She was an absolute BLAST to hang out with, usually girls aren't that much fun. I found out that she is originally from South Jersey, currently living in Chicago, but came to town for her bro's bachelor party and will be in town for the wedding in November. This bachelor party had started in the morning with golf and they had all been drinking for over 12 hours at this point...and they were staying at a hotel in the city.
When last call rolled around at Fado, I was saying my goodbyes to my group of friends because I had to find a cab that would take me home to NJ. Now even though Philly is a major city, the cab situation blows and you just cant find them or get one and when you do, they don't go over the bridge. After several failed attempts at getting a cab, I started to call friends in the city to crash at their places for the night and no one was answering their phones. That's when new friend came outside and offered me to stay in her hotel room...and I accepted.
We cabbed it back to her hotel alone together and made out the whole ride. I didn't know what to do because I'm not gay but kissing this girl was one of the hottest sexual experiences I've had in a long time. It was so hot I can't even find the words to describe it. We arrived at the hotel for me to discover that of course she had a king size bed because she was originally rooming by herself. Now I have slept in beds with my friends and girls before and its not sexual, but when you have to share a bed with the person that gave you the best kiss ever you know it's going to be different.
It started out that I just kicked off my shoes, used the bathroom to wash my face and then turned on the tv. She did the same and it was as if we were just 2 friends who were going to climb into bed after a drunken night out and just pass out because none of our interaction once back to the room was the slightest bit sexual. The tone had changed and that was perfectly fine because I enjoyed the hot kissing and thought that was it...another lesbian who enjoyed kissing a straight girl and vice versa. This is very common amongst gay girls, and I was ok with it because I was drunk and tired. I climbed into bed fully clothed and watched Sports Center, while new friend climbed into bed fully clothed to watch with me. We chatted some more about our friends and our families and simple things like that. I was getting so tired so I got all settled in, rolled on my side to face her (that's the side I always sleep on and the way I sleep) and closed my eyes. That was when I felt her move closer to me and start stroking my hair. When I opened my eyes she pulled herself closer to me and started kissing me...again these kisses are more then I can handle. Part of me wanted to stop her and the other part of me wanted her to keep kissing me because it felt fucking amazing.
I felt the kissing getting more intense and I was still torn to stop or continue...I continued. She moved her hand up my shirt and undid my bra in 1 second flat (you boys need to ask a lesbian how to do that) and she started to touch my tits and I was loving the way I felt and decided I wasn't going to stop her from doing anything to me at this point. She removed my shirt and started kissing all over my body and sucking and biting my nipples. I couldn't believe how amazing this experience was and I didn't want it to stop. I was so turned on and just wanted more.
Before I knew it, she was pulling my jeans off and I was in her bed completely naked. I was totally exposed...I am naked and she has thrown all of the sheets to the floor. While she is kissing me she was touching my body all over and then she stuck her hand between my legs very lightly and it was if a dam broke. I was so fucking wet and turned on. I couldn't believe what was happening and never in a million years did I think I would be having an experience like this. When she felt how wet I was I knew she was totally turned on to. She started to kiss my stomach and head further south on my body. I kind of panicked because I wasn't sure if I wanted that.
So before anything happened I pulled her up and I took her shirt off and started to kiss her all over... her skin smelled so good and tasted sweet. I rolled her over and I pinned her down and started to suck on her tits and bite her nipples like she did to me. Ive never done all of this before so I was giving her what always turned me on sexually and she was more then loving it. I started to suck and kiss her stomach all of the way down to her jeans. While I unbuttoned her pants and pulled them off, she was begging me to fuck her.
To Be Continued...
Ok... I will begin with the Phillies! Can you fucking believe we made it back to the big game?!?! It only took 15 years! I have to admit that I was torn between us playing Boston or Tampa Bay. Truth is, Boston would have made it a huge draw because having 2 major city teams plus the whole nutjob Boston fans and they are recent champs would have made it amazing, even though I don't feel the Phillies could have beat them. Tampa Bay on the other hand is not such a great draw in my opinion but we can beat their asses and actually win the World Series. With the Philadelphia Curse in full force and effect though, watch us get our asses whooped by TB and that will give them the success story of the century.
From the comments in my last post Phillies related, Brian formerly from Philly said...
Blonde-Glad to hear you are getting out & about. Wings are good...beer is good. You may not believe it right now but you'll be back to your normal self some day.Is Victorino the xFwB? Hmmmm..... But that quote about getting pounded on the ass I heard was from Matt Stairs after he bailed the Phils out in game 4. I might be wrong but thats what I read.4 more wins!Stay Sexy!-Brian formerly from Philly
He was correct that the quote was from Stairs not Victorino. Still can't imagine anyone finding Stairs attractive enough to pound his ass hard though. Victorino was NOT the FwB. Puhleez, big mama only rolls with the relevant players and he wasn't playing for them then. Nice guy and all but not fuckworthy of the Blonde's precious cooter.
I also need to know where Brian is now that he is formerly of Philly and why. If he ran off to live with some girl he will get slammed hard in the ass..
Reverend StB preaches the following from my last post:
I see we read from the same Bible.Reality is that wings can cure all ailments especially drunken emotional ones-- Hooters 9:11.
Amen, bitches.
**********
I went from hibernating, to crawling out of my shell only to run back into it and hide to being out and not wanting to go home. I have issues. I went into Philly Saturday with some of my guy friends. They shielded me from all things that would send me into a spiral downward or meltdown by taking me to see some titties. I got hammered and lapdanced back into a happy place. I had one of the hottest strippers at Delilah's Den give me a lap dance so hot I left a puddle on the sofa I was sitting on. Seriously, I had to go to the bathroom and throw my panties in the trash because they were soaked.
There was only a few girls there NOT to strip, like myself, and one was attending her brother's bachelor party. I knew one of the guys attending the party through an old boyfriend. She was very pretty and alot of fun to hang with and so fucking hot I never once figured out she was gay. After lots of drinks and tucked bucks she sat on my lap and started to make out with me. I had a girl that looked exactly like Jessica Alba on my lap and kissing me. I have to admit that it was the HOTTEST kiss I have ever had in my entire life. My weakness is kissing... if you kiss me just right, I will fuck the life out of you.
The bachelor party was moving on to a regular bar but my friends wanted to stay at Delilah's. Totally torn....do I stay with my friends at the coochie corral or do I move along and drink with my new friend? She was begging me to go with them and my friends were pushing me to go with her so I left DD in a party bus with no clue how I was getting back to NJ. Honestly, I really didn't care either. So we went to a few bars in the city and I continued to drink, do shots, eat greasy deadly delicious bar food and got to know my new friend. She was an absolute BLAST to hang out with, usually girls aren't that much fun. I found out that she is originally from South Jersey, currently living in Chicago, but came to town for her bro's bachelor party and will be in town for the wedding in November. This bachelor party had started in the morning with golf and they had all been drinking for over 12 hours at this point...and they were staying at a hotel in the city.
When last call rolled around at Fado, I was saying my goodbyes to my group of friends because I had to find a cab that would take me home to NJ. Now even though Philly is a major city, the cab situation blows and you just cant find them or get one and when you do, they don't go over the bridge. After several failed attempts at getting a cab, I started to call friends in the city to crash at their places for the night and no one was answering their phones. That's when new friend came outside and offered me to stay in her hotel room...and I accepted.
We cabbed it back to her hotel alone together and made out the whole ride. I didn't know what to do because I'm not gay but kissing this girl was one of the hottest sexual experiences I've had in a long time. It was so hot I can't even find the words to describe it. We arrived at the hotel for me to discover that of course she had a king size bed because she was originally rooming by herself. Now I have slept in beds with my friends and girls before and its not sexual, but when you have to share a bed with the person that gave you the best kiss ever you know it's going to be different.
It started out that I just kicked off my shoes, used the bathroom to wash my face and then turned on the tv. She did the same and it was as if we were just 2 friends who were going to climb into bed after a drunken night out and just pass out because none of our interaction once back to the room was the slightest bit sexual. The tone had changed and that was perfectly fine because I enjoyed the hot kissing and thought that was it...another lesbian who enjoyed kissing a straight girl and vice versa. This is very common amongst gay girls, and I was ok with it because I was drunk and tired. I climbed into bed fully clothed and watched Sports Center, while new friend climbed into bed fully clothed to watch with me. We chatted some more about our friends and our families and simple things like that. I was getting so tired so I got all settled in, rolled on my side to face her (that's the side I always sleep on and the way I sleep) and closed my eyes. That was when I felt her move closer to me and start stroking my hair. When I opened my eyes she pulled herself closer to me and started kissing me...again these kisses are more then I can handle. Part of me wanted to stop her and the other part of me wanted her to keep kissing me because it felt fucking amazing.
I felt the kissing getting more intense and I was still torn to stop or continue...I continued. She moved her hand up my shirt and undid my bra in 1 second flat (you boys need to ask a lesbian how to do that) and she started to touch my tits and I was loving the way I felt and decided I wasn't going to stop her from doing anything to me at this point. She removed my shirt and started kissing all over my body and sucking and biting my nipples. I couldn't believe how amazing this experience was and I didn't want it to stop. I was so turned on and just wanted more.
Before I knew it, she was pulling my jeans off and I was in her bed completely naked. I was totally exposed...I am naked and she has thrown all of the sheets to the floor. While she is kissing me she was touching my body all over and then she stuck her hand between my legs very lightly and it was if a dam broke. I was so fucking wet and turned on. I couldn't believe what was happening and never in a million years did I think I would be having an experience like this. When she felt how wet I was I knew she was totally turned on to. She started to kiss my stomach and head further south on my body. I kind of panicked because I wasn't sure if I wanted that.
So before anything happened I pulled her up and I took her shirt off and started to kiss her all over... her skin smelled so good and tasted sweet. I rolled her over and I pinned her down and started to suck on her tits and bite her nipples like she did to me. Ive never done all of this before so I was giving her what always turned me on sexually and she was more then loving it. I started to suck and kiss her stomach all of the way down to her jeans. While I unbuttoned her pants and pulled them off, she was begging me to fuck her.
To Be Continued...
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Ramblings
I hope that everyone enjoyed the only holiday brought to us courtesy of the Italians, yesterday. One of my fave lines from Vince Vaughn in Old School when Mitch is talking about discovering his girlfriend is a Internet slut swinger...Columbus wasn't looking to discover America but that worked out for all of us right? You should consider yourself lucky to find a girl so sexually enlightened.
I met with one of my big clients yesterday for the first time in months. Ive been relatively useless at work, but shit is bad and I had to get back in the game. I took the back roads to my office through the park so I could see the leaves on the trees. They have all changed to beautiful colors and starting to fall. This is my favorite time of year with the leaves and weather changing, football and my hooded sweatshirts. Also, the Uggs are out and being rocked again. Simple things make me happy.
After that I met with my therapist and had a good session. I told her that I am writing again and that it is helping me and she said to continue. She also encouraged me to stop hibernating. When I told her about the incident the other evening she advised that I learn to cope with the topic of the war but excusing myself when conversations start about it. It is a world topic and unavoidable and with no end in sight, I can't stay in my cave until it's over. She's right.
So I took her advice and went out with some friends to a local bar to watch the Phillies. For a bit there I thought they were going to choke on the cock again. I don't want to prematurely ejaculate here, but is it possible Victorino could bring victory to Philadelphia? He was interviewed after the game and he was quoted as saying (and I paraphrase) "I got slammed in the ass but it's not so bad". Philly radio keeps playing it on a loop and I laugh like a 6th grade boy every time I hear it.
I felt so exposed and vulnerable being out again and wanted my usual comforts. Bottles of cold Miller Lite and wings were my fuzzy, comfy security blanket. The wings were obviously not the greatest choice considering I have barely eaten or been able to keep food down in over a month. Reality is that wings can cure all ailments especially drunken emotional ones. It was nice to go out and laugh with my friends and strangers. It was good to know that I still have my mojo and my drinks came courtesy of men at the bar all night. I think I look like a horror movie, but it must not be as bad as I thought if I drank for free on strangers.
I met with one of my big clients yesterday for the first time in months. Ive been relatively useless at work, but shit is bad and I had to get back in the game. I took the back roads to my office through the park so I could see the leaves on the trees. They have all changed to beautiful colors and starting to fall. This is my favorite time of year with the leaves and weather changing, football and my hooded sweatshirts. Also, the Uggs are out and being rocked again. Simple things make me happy.
After that I met with my therapist and had a good session. I told her that I am writing again and that it is helping me and she said to continue. She also encouraged me to stop hibernating. When I told her about the incident the other evening she advised that I learn to cope with the topic of the war but excusing myself when conversations start about it. It is a world topic and unavoidable and with no end in sight, I can't stay in my cave until it's over. She's right.
So I took her advice and went out with some friends to a local bar to watch the Phillies. For a bit there I thought they were going to choke on the cock again. I don't want to prematurely ejaculate here, but is it possible Victorino could bring victory to Philadelphia? He was interviewed after the game and he was quoted as saying (and I paraphrase) "I got slammed in the ass but it's not so bad". Philly radio keeps playing it on a loop and I laugh like a 6th grade boy every time I hear it.
I felt so exposed and vulnerable being out again and wanted my usual comforts. Bottles of cold Miller Lite and wings were my fuzzy, comfy security blanket. The wings were obviously not the greatest choice considering I have barely eaten or been able to keep food down in over a month. Reality is that wings can cure all ailments especially drunken emotional ones. It was nice to go out and laugh with my friends and strangers. It was good to know that I still have my mojo and my drinks came courtesy of men at the bar all night. I think I look like a horror movie, but it must not be as bad as I thought if I drank for free on strangers.
In addition to throwing myself back into writing (not just here) I am seeking solace in music as I have always done. Music has always been my savior through my shitty childhood, insecure teen years and now . For as long as I can remember, it has always been a huge part of my life inherited by my Dad. He was a Vietnam Vet that sought solitude in the music from his day and he knew every word to every song by heart. He would tell us kids all of the stories behind what inspired every song written. He was the reason I won one of those stupid trivia games in a bar because I knew Steely Dan was named after a vibrator/dildo in the novel "Naked Lunch" by William Burroughs. As a bonus I also knew that Burroughs is the one that coined the phrase "Heavy Metal". This bit of useless knowledge won my friends and I our bar tab for free. Pink Floyd and the smell of weed make me think of my Dad. I miss him so much and wish he were here to comfort me, his baby girl. I'm on my own, so maybe I will just score myself good herbage and bake myself while watching The Wall. My iPod is like my blood anymore and I can't live without it. I am so glad that I was able to get my Dad an iPod before he died, he thought it was the greatest invention ever too. Good times. I am going into Philly tonight to listen to live music.
I really appreciate everyone's kind words in the comments of my last post. I was debating whether or not to disable the comments when I wrote it because I wasn't fishing for sympathy or attention. I was just being emotionally slutty and needed an outlet. The kindness extended touched me and I appreciate it more then you could know. I extend my sympathy to those who have suffered losses in their families and lives as well. Trust me, I know your pain. I thought when my Dad died that I couldn't go on and live. I wanted to die too because I couldn't imagine my life without him. As time has gone on, I figured that no loss would ever be greater then that and I would some how survive anything. Fuckin A I was wrong. All loss is devastating because it changes our lives, how we love and are loved and something has been taken from us without us having a say or any control over it. It's a fucking jacking is what it is.
I decided to cut out of the office to write this and catch up on everyone's blogs in peace. I am back at the local Starbucks and so distracted and equally humored by the douchebags that frequent this place. It's weird to be sipping chamomile tea instead of my super duper high octane venti whatever. I don't think my stomach could take it today after the wings last night. there is a woman next to me who is either speeding her face off or had way too many Red Bulls but I have been mentally kicking her in the teeth for the past 15 minutes. The guy with her is the total opposite and looks like he is nodding off. I don't know how he can be sitting next to that cuntified Chihuahua. The background music is a new cd called Super Glam, I think. It is awesome but this store is sold out of it and I am going to pick it up at another store. It has old school glam rock, like Freddie Mercury, Iggy Pop and I can't remember the name of the British band but they have a song called "Come Up And See Me (Make Me Smile)" that I loved when I was a kid. Then my first boy band crushes, Duran Duran, did a live cover of that I had a bootleg copy from the UK. I was a child musical gangsta back in the day. Had all the bootlegs, baby. Starbucks actually has really good compilation CDs. I bought an alternative one with old school Clash and Talking Heads on it about a year ago and I play it to death.
Just a reminder, today is the last day to register to vote. If you have not registered, please do so. I don't give a fuck who you vote for but your are an American and it is our right. Especially the women, we had to fight for and women died for the right for us to vote.
GO PHILS!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Glass Is Full Enough
I had myself all psyched to go out last night. Releasing myself back out into the wild, so to speak. Actually, it was more to get myself out of hibernation then anything. I have been physically and emotionally hibernating for months.
I took the shortest jean skirt out of my closet that can be belted (everything is too big on me these days), grabbed the Loubatins I treated myself back to in June that remained unworn and told myself that I was going to look as good as I felt, which wasn't so shitty for a change. I'm ready. I think I can I think I can I think I can.
I got a long hot shower and a good shaving, and continued to think it was going to be a good night. I was going to make it a good night. Think positive thoughts. Be positive. Glass is half full.
My girlfriends picked me up and we drove into Center City for a good old fashioned girls night out. We met up with other friends at Midtown Continental where I ordered a very strong and very dirty martini. I was craving an ice cold beer but my mood screamed hard liquor. As I devoured the last olive in my empty martini glass, which was also the first thing I ate all day, the bartender had another one ready for me "courtesy of the gentleman across the bar". This man happened to be someone who I see at social gatherings in the city through business, and the last time I saw him was a black tie bullshit thing in April. The night I spent with Capt. X before he went back to war.
After small talk, and the usual banter of me faking friendly and he faking that he is married, I introduced him and his friend to my friends. I've mastered the art of faking lately. Faking nice, faking concern, faking happy a whole big visual lie of just pretending I give a fuck about anything when I really don't. I guess faking it is good for all involved when it comes to situations like this. Everyone wants to be around a smiling, happy person not a complete and total desperate meltdown of a mess who wants to wake up every morning hoping it all was a bad dream. People really don't want the truth or reality for that matter, they want everything to appear to be normal when it isn't. They want a lie.
Truth is I wasn't feeling bad or sad last night for a change, but I wasn't happy or go lucky either. I was existing. I was focusing on the potential good and positive in it all. Positive affirmations are on play with the repeat button down in my head. Glass is half full. Hard drink is half drank and I am half buzzed. Life is ok.
Talk turned to Phillies, Eagles, the fact that Sarah Palin is supposed to drop the puck at the Flyers game today and Obama will be stumping in white trash Northeast Philly today, as well. Good conversation that required little input and lots of me just smiling. Smiling because it was bullshit conversation that required little effort, smiling because it actually felt good to be out, smiling because I was surrounded by the best friends a girl could ever want and that were ready to drag me out of my cave for fun and smiling because my buzz felt good. It just fucking felt good to be living not existing for a change.
Before you knew it talk turned to the war a topic my friends change and shield me from at all costs these days. The man friend then asked about my brothers, which I appreciated and updated him on and then he asked about Capt. X...it was like taking a spray of bullets. I believe his exact question was "When is Capt. X coming home?". I was put into a verbal crossroad at this moment. Do I continue to fake it? Do I take the high road and pleasantly tell him? Do I drop the facade and fall to the ground sobbing and tell him the whole truth and how I feel? Do I lie?This is one of those times you should fake it but I just can't fake anymore tonight.
I completely ignored the road signs and my internal gps directing me to take the high road and to not cry in public. His intentions are good I kept telling myself but my feeling at that moment was solid pain. Just scratching the surface makes me unravel so clawing me when I'm already vulnerable and slightly drunk was just like throwing me into the tracks when a subway train is barreling forward. Man friend had continued talking this whole time and I missed what he said but I blurted out " He came home at the end of July in a pine box". A negative impulse and verbal drive by shooting spewed from my mouth. An assault of negativity. Glass is empty. Fucking empty and dry. Where is the fucking bartender...
Obviously I ruined the vibe and party everyone was having. That's me the faking happy but really troubled and dying inside party fucker upper. Wishing my martini glass was full. Wishing my life was full again. Wishing I was really positive and not faking. Wishing I could see the glass still had something, anything in it. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and never returned. My friend K went with me and at my begging got me out of there. I realized that I am not ready to stop hibernating just yet. No short skirt or expensive shoes or strong drinks are going to change that right now.
I woke up this morning feeling physically and mentally ok. I felt bad thinking I probably ruined the night for some. I was in desperate need for caffeine and I actually felt hungry. I started thinking about how I felt like a weight had been lifted or as if I finally got to confess to something that I have been keeping a secret for so long. I realized that the first time I even came out and said my friend was dead was when I wrote it here yesterday. Even to people in my everyday life I have never said the words " he is gone, he is dead, he was killed". Never. They knew it and I didn't need to say it. Was my inappropriate verbal vomit the release I needed all of this time?
As I lay on my sofa writing this I am finding that maybe my blog comeback is my rebirth. It is making me accountable for not just what I am doing but how I am feeling. Writing is a much more powerful release then screaming, yelling and crying for me. I sip my super strong coffee which warms me, my fat ass cat is laying across the sofa arm onto my shoulders and his purring feels good in my ear and I realize that I really am grateful that I woke up this morning. I get to live another day something my friend doesn't get to do. I was given a chance to make this day better then yesterday. I have the opportunity to tell my loved ones that I love them another day. I get to breathe. Watch the leaves change with the season. I get to have fun. I get the chance to be truly happy again and not fake it.
I get to live not just exist. The glass isn't half empty and it isn't half full. Today it is full enough.
I promise to get back to my slutty self. It may not be today or next week, but I will make a true comeback. Baby steps in really expensive shoes.
I took the shortest jean skirt out of my closet that can be belted (everything is too big on me these days), grabbed the Loubatins I treated myself back to in June that remained unworn and told myself that I was going to look as good as I felt, which wasn't so shitty for a change. I'm ready. I think I can I think I can I think I can.
I got a long hot shower and a good shaving, and continued to think it was going to be a good night. I was going to make it a good night. Think positive thoughts. Be positive. Glass is half full.
My girlfriends picked me up and we drove into Center City for a good old fashioned girls night out. We met up with other friends at Midtown Continental where I ordered a very strong and very dirty martini. I was craving an ice cold beer but my mood screamed hard liquor. As I devoured the last olive in my empty martini glass, which was also the first thing I ate all day, the bartender had another one ready for me "courtesy of the gentleman across the bar". This man happened to be someone who I see at social gatherings in the city through business, and the last time I saw him was a black tie bullshit thing in April. The night I spent with Capt. X before he went back to war.
After small talk, and the usual banter of me faking friendly and he faking that he is married, I introduced him and his friend to my friends. I've mastered the art of faking lately. Faking nice, faking concern, faking happy a whole big visual lie of just pretending I give a fuck about anything when I really don't. I guess faking it is good for all involved when it comes to situations like this. Everyone wants to be around a smiling, happy person not a complete and total desperate meltdown of a mess who wants to wake up every morning hoping it all was a bad dream. People really don't want the truth or reality for that matter, they want everything to appear to be normal when it isn't. They want a lie.
Truth is I wasn't feeling bad or sad last night for a change, but I wasn't happy or go lucky either. I was existing. I was focusing on the potential good and positive in it all. Positive affirmations are on play with the repeat button down in my head. Glass is half full. Hard drink is half drank and I am half buzzed. Life is ok.
Talk turned to Phillies, Eagles, the fact that Sarah Palin is supposed to drop the puck at the Flyers game today and Obama will be stumping in white trash Northeast Philly today, as well. Good conversation that required little input and lots of me just smiling. Smiling because it was bullshit conversation that required little effort, smiling because it actually felt good to be out, smiling because I was surrounded by the best friends a girl could ever want and that were ready to drag me out of my cave for fun and smiling because my buzz felt good. It just fucking felt good to be living not existing for a change.
Before you knew it talk turned to the war a topic my friends change and shield me from at all costs these days. The man friend then asked about my brothers, which I appreciated and updated him on and then he asked about Capt. X...it was like taking a spray of bullets. I believe his exact question was "When is Capt. X coming home?". I was put into a verbal crossroad at this moment. Do I continue to fake it? Do I take the high road and pleasantly tell him? Do I drop the facade and fall to the ground sobbing and tell him the whole truth and how I feel? Do I lie?This is one of those times you should fake it but I just can't fake anymore tonight.
I completely ignored the road signs and my internal gps directing me to take the high road and to not cry in public. His intentions are good I kept telling myself but my feeling at that moment was solid pain. Just scratching the surface makes me unravel so clawing me when I'm already vulnerable and slightly drunk was just like throwing me into the tracks when a subway train is barreling forward. Man friend had continued talking this whole time and I missed what he said but I blurted out " He came home at the end of July in a pine box". A negative impulse and verbal drive by shooting spewed from my mouth. An assault of negativity. Glass is empty. Fucking empty and dry. Where is the fucking bartender...
Obviously I ruined the vibe and party everyone was having. That's me the faking happy but really troubled and dying inside party fucker upper. Wishing my martini glass was full. Wishing my life was full again. Wishing I was really positive and not faking. Wishing I could see the glass still had something, anything in it. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and never returned. My friend K went with me and at my begging got me out of there. I realized that I am not ready to stop hibernating just yet. No short skirt or expensive shoes or strong drinks are going to change that right now.
I woke up this morning feeling physically and mentally ok. I felt bad thinking I probably ruined the night for some. I was in desperate need for caffeine and I actually felt hungry. I started thinking about how I felt like a weight had been lifted or as if I finally got to confess to something that I have been keeping a secret for so long. I realized that the first time I even came out and said my friend was dead was when I wrote it here yesterday. Even to people in my everyday life I have never said the words " he is gone, he is dead, he was killed". Never. They knew it and I didn't need to say it. Was my inappropriate verbal vomit the release I needed all of this time?
As I lay on my sofa writing this I am finding that maybe my blog comeback is my rebirth. It is making me accountable for not just what I am doing but how I am feeling. Writing is a much more powerful release then screaming, yelling and crying for me. I sip my super strong coffee which warms me, my fat ass cat is laying across the sofa arm onto my shoulders and his purring feels good in my ear and I realize that I really am grateful that I woke up this morning. I get to live another day something my friend doesn't get to do. I was given a chance to make this day better then yesterday. I have the opportunity to tell my loved ones that I love them another day. I get to breathe. Watch the leaves change with the season. I get to have fun. I get the chance to be truly happy again and not fake it.
I get to live not just exist. The glass isn't half empty and it isn't half full. Today it is full enough.
I promise to get back to my slutty self. It may not be today or next week, but I will make a true comeback. Baby steps in really expensive shoes.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Don't Call It A Come Back...
So much to write and little time to do it, but I will still shoot a load here for you...
First things first, I missed the shit out of you bitches. Seriously. I know that many of you think that blogging should be my numero uno pritority along with breathing and blowjobs, but sadly it isn't. As a matter of fact, it almost didn't make a comeback at all.
Second, the Phillies playing well is not what brought me back to pound my chest. I am not one of THOSE types of Philadelphia fans because I fucking know better. The XFwB is playing well, I see. Philadelphia sports team fans should learn their lesson of bragging because the carpet always gets ripped out from under us. Always. The best sports accomplishments we've had are Barbero the horse, who's dead, and Smarty Jones. For fucks sake, the Eagles already aligned their season for another shitty spectacle after last week's game. Fucking pathetic. I still stand by my statement of last year that Reid needs to go home and take care of his fucked up family. He's got kids on drugs and in and out of jail. His lack of leadership at home isn't any better for his family on the field. THE EAGLES ORGANIZATION NEEDS A SHAKE UP...but I digress.
What really took me away from writing here, working and just overall functioning at life is that I suffered a great loss this summer. I don't want to go into details on here as it is a private matter and I would like to continue to remain anonymous, but I lost a loved one in the war in Iraq. It wasn't either of my brothers who are both still in Afghanistan (and not due to come home any time soon). It was someone that I was very close to and loved more then I love myself. Please pray for both of my brothers safety and all other soldiers to come home safe. Support your troops anyway you can by sending care packages and cards. It means more to them then you could imagine.
Grieving effects everyone differently. I am an emotional anorexic so I barely ate all summer, I couldn't tell you the last time I even slept on my own without medication and alcohol is always a bad idea when I am in a state of mind such as this. I am very fortunate to have friends that would do anything in the world for me and employees that would take a bullet for me, and they sure as shit have. While I was existing and useless, my team worked their asses of a million times harder to keep us functioning in an industry that is nosediving into ruin. If it weren't for them I would be unemployed, homeless and in complete meltdown mode like that chick from the Superman movie that went nuts a few years ago and was hiding toothless in her neighbors shrubs. I am very fortunate. I am blessed. I am grateful.
Stubhub Saga: Well guess who won her battle with Stubhub?!?!?! That's right bitches, ME!!!!! I got all of my money back in full and an additional amount for my inconvenience. Those stupid douchebags also gave me a credit towards another purchase which will never fucking happen. As if I would ever use them for anything again. Kind of like the time I got food poisoning at the Outback Steakhouse (puhleez, it was a family gathering not a dining establishment of my choice) and I got sick from the salad dressing that obviously spoiled (cream based). After being hospitalized, my Dad drove back to the restaurant to tell them what happened just so they wouldn't use the dressing anymore and they gave him a gift certificate for my troubles. As if I will ever eat at a shithole like that ever again. I donated the gift card to a charity event so some other person can take their chances.
I don't have any tan lines from my summer because this summer was a blur.
I didn't have sex with a guy all summer so nothing to report there.
I have been coming out of my funk lately, and just started to go out. Those of you who have been readers here know that I only have 2 speeds: All in or no go. So my guess is that I will be making a drunken, slutty spectacle of myself soon enough. The party invites started rolling in for Halloween, Eagles Tailgates and over all Drinkfests through the end of the year. I have wedding invitations coming out of my ass all of a sudden. I loathe weddings but I will make the best of it and go to the ones at good places where the food and booze will be good and the men will be fuckable.
Now that I am back, I actually feel better about writing here. Its not as pleasurable as an orgasmic release but it feels good to be home. This is my dysfunctional home. I do want to be here and hopefully I won't disappoint and can bring you stories worth telling.
Rock on.
First things first, I missed the shit out of you bitches. Seriously. I know that many of you think that blogging should be my numero uno pritority along with breathing and blowjobs, but sadly it isn't. As a matter of fact, it almost didn't make a comeback at all.
Second, the Phillies playing well is not what brought me back to pound my chest. I am not one of THOSE types of Philadelphia fans because I fucking know better. The XFwB is playing well, I see. Philadelphia sports team fans should learn their lesson of bragging because the carpet always gets ripped out from under us. Always. The best sports accomplishments we've had are Barbero the horse, who's dead, and Smarty Jones. For fucks sake, the Eagles already aligned their season for another shitty spectacle after last week's game. Fucking pathetic. I still stand by my statement of last year that Reid needs to go home and take care of his fucked up family. He's got kids on drugs and in and out of jail. His lack of leadership at home isn't any better for his family on the field. THE EAGLES ORGANIZATION NEEDS A SHAKE UP...but I digress.
What really took me away from writing here, working and just overall functioning at life is that I suffered a great loss this summer. I don't want to go into details on here as it is a private matter and I would like to continue to remain anonymous, but I lost a loved one in the war in Iraq. It wasn't either of my brothers who are both still in Afghanistan (and not due to come home any time soon). It was someone that I was very close to and loved more then I love myself. Please pray for both of my brothers safety and all other soldiers to come home safe. Support your troops anyway you can by sending care packages and cards. It means more to them then you could imagine.
Grieving effects everyone differently. I am an emotional anorexic so I barely ate all summer, I couldn't tell you the last time I even slept on my own without medication and alcohol is always a bad idea when I am in a state of mind such as this. I am very fortunate to have friends that would do anything in the world for me and employees that would take a bullet for me, and they sure as shit have. While I was existing and useless, my team worked their asses of a million times harder to keep us functioning in an industry that is nosediving into ruin. If it weren't for them I would be unemployed, homeless and in complete meltdown mode like that chick from the Superman movie that went nuts a few years ago and was hiding toothless in her neighbors shrubs. I am very fortunate. I am blessed. I am grateful.
Stubhub Saga: Well guess who won her battle with Stubhub?!?!?! That's right bitches, ME!!!!! I got all of my money back in full and an additional amount for my inconvenience. Those stupid douchebags also gave me a credit towards another purchase which will never fucking happen. As if I would ever use them for anything again. Kind of like the time I got food poisoning at the Outback Steakhouse (puhleez, it was a family gathering not a dining establishment of my choice) and I got sick from the salad dressing that obviously spoiled (cream based). After being hospitalized, my Dad drove back to the restaurant to tell them what happened just so they wouldn't use the dressing anymore and they gave him a gift certificate for my troubles. As if I will ever eat at a shithole like that ever again. I donated the gift card to a charity event so some other person can take their chances.
I don't have any tan lines from my summer because this summer was a blur.
I didn't have sex with a guy all summer so nothing to report there.
I have been coming out of my funk lately, and just started to go out. Those of you who have been readers here know that I only have 2 speeds: All in or no go. So my guess is that I will be making a drunken, slutty spectacle of myself soon enough. The party invites started rolling in for Halloween, Eagles Tailgates and over all Drinkfests through the end of the year. I have wedding invitations coming out of my ass all of a sudden. I loathe weddings but I will make the best of it and go to the ones at good places where the food and booze will be good and the men will be fuckable.
Now that I am back, I actually feel better about writing here. Its not as pleasurable as an orgasmic release but it feels good to be home. This is my dysfunctional home. I do want to be here and hopefully I won't disappoint and can bring you stories worth telling.
Rock on.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Sort of Back
Greetings and salutations.
This is a quick posting to let you know that I am alive. As far as well...hmmmm...that is up for debate.
I appreciate the emails, texts and calls to make sure I am indeed alive. I have been through 3 months of hell actually. I will bring you all up to date soon enough. I need to get my thoughts in line and the right words to express them.
I hope that all of you in the blogosphere are well and I will catch up with all of you soon.
I will have plenty of time on my hands to update soon.
With Wetness,
B
Hey StB....how about them Phils?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Rock on.
This is a quick posting to let you know that I am alive. As far as well...hmmmm...that is up for debate.
I appreciate the emails, texts and calls to make sure I am indeed alive. I have been through 3 months of hell actually. I will bring you all up to date soon enough. I need to get my thoughts in line and the right words to express them.
I hope that all of you in the blogosphere are well and I will catch up with all of you soon.
I will have plenty of time on my hands to update soon.
With Wetness,
B
Hey StB....how about them Phils?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Rock on.
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